


The Prince Groom

by sally_sparrow



Category: Princess Bride (1987), The Magicians (TV)
Genre: M/M, idk how to tag this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-11
Updated: 2018-11-23
Packaged: 2019-08-22 08:40:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 14,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16594586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sally_sparrow/pseuds/sally_sparrow
Summary: a princess pride au? in this economy?A fairytale adventure about soulmates who face unrelenting hardships: Princesses, Rabbits of Unusual Size, death, and an interrupting audience of librarians.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> As some of you may know I deal with chronic pain, which makes writing difficult. But recently, I saw this tumblr post about a princess bride au, and I got super inspired. I’ve been slowly chipping at it, because I didn’t want to start posting and not be able to finish. But it’s done! I hope you enjoy. Here’s the post, in case you’re interested:
> 
> https://surlydruid.tumblr.com/post/173049001620/hi-i-saw-your-tags-on-my-princess-bride-post-and

Shelving books. A lot of books. The fortieth Penny had been through a lot in recent months, and now he was trapped shelving books for the next few centuries. How times can change.

But besides the indentured servant issue, there was another problem. Shelving books was mind numbingly boring. So Penny took his time, studying covers and leafing through pages. He had to serve a certain number of years, not shelve a certain number of books. Efficiency wasn’t his priority. Besides, it wasn’t as though they could fire him.

Penny was shelving in the Ancient Mythologies section when he saw something. A book, crammed horizontally on top of other books. It would have to be reshelved.

He picked it up. It was a dark green hardcover, without a dust jacket. Gold leaf script titled it _The Prince Groom_. More gold leaf was below the title, artwork outlining two figures kissing. Figures that almost looked like…

“What the fuck,” Penny muttered.

He opened the cover. Then the back cover. It didn’t have anything that identified it as the library’s property. He flipped through the pages, catching glimpses of names: Quentin, Eliot, Kady. He slammed it shut.

He chased all over looking for another librarian. He finally ran into Alfred, a tall young librarian who was far too perky for his own good.

“Alfred, what the hell is this?” Penny asked, holding up the book.

“Oh, Penny! Good to see you,” Alfred said, smiling.

“What is this damn book, Alfred!” he demanded.

“Huh? Oh.” Alfred frowned. “That one. That’s not great.” Penny stared at him. Then Alfred smiled again.

“How about you bring it to book club, and we’ll talk about it then?” Alfred asked. Penny scowled and opened his mouth to respond.

“You’re a champ, Penny, thank you,” Alfred grinned, walking away. Penny rolled his eyes.

  


Penny made it to book club. All of the usuals were there, eating pastries and sandwiches. He had the book in his lap, the cover facing down, as unassuming as possible.

At some point, a woman named Sonia cleared her throat, quieting the chatter.

“So, Penny,” she said. “Alfred told me you found a book?”

“Yeah,” Penny said. “It doesn’t seem to belong to the library, and it’s got my friends’ names in it. You know anything about it?”

Sonia sighed. “I do,” she said. “I wrote it.”

The room was silent.

“What the fuck.” Penny said.

“Yes, well,” Sonia said. “We all find you and your fellow questers fascinating, we’ve been following you since the beginning. I took it a step further. I started writing stories about you, and I must say, that one is one of my favorites,”

“How is it a book? Like, a fucking hardcover book?” he asked.

“Oh, I pulled a few strings and had it bound. There are perks to being a librarian,” she said.

“Why was it in the mythology section?” he asked.

“Oh, I’ve been sharing it so people can read it, and someone must have left it there,” she said.  

“You know what?” Sonia smiled. “We should all read it together, here at book club! It would save a lot of time, and it wouldn’t get lost,”

“I think that’s a great idea!” Alfred said.

“Shut up, Alfred,” Penny said. He sighed. “What kinda book is it? It’s not like, a sex book, right?”

“No,” she smiled. “It’s fantasy. Inspired by _The Princess Bride_. But if you want, we can talk about the original pick for this meeting instead,”

Penny looked down at the book. He flipped it over to its front cover, studying it. He scowled, and handed the book to Sonia. She began to read.

***

Eliot was part of a family of farmers in the kingdom of Fillory. He enjoyed riding his horse and tormenting the farm boy who worked there. His name was Quentin, though when they met, Eliot had dismissed that fact.

“Your name is _Quentin_?” he asked, raising his eyebrows. Quentin nodded.

“I’ll call you Q,” Eliot said.

“As you wish,” Quentin shrugged.

That was how it went. All Quentin ever said to him was those three words, yet they continued spending more time together.

  


“Q,” Eliot said. “Polish my saddle.”

“As you wish,” Quentin said. Eliot watched him as he left.

Eliot found Quentin endearing, though too much would be at risk by admitting so.

  


“Q, fill these with water. Please.” Eliot placed down two buckets in front of him.

“As you wish,” Quentin said. His eyes followed Eliot as he walked away. Eliot glanced back, and Quentin turned to the buckets.

It was then that Eliot realized that he and Quentin might be equally infatuated with each other. Which for him, was terrifying.

  


“Q,” Eliot said. “Hand me that pitcher.”

“As you wish,” Quentin said. He handed over the pitcher, maintaining eye contact.

“Thank you,” Eliot said quietly. Quentin nodded, and left.

  


They were both hesitant, but Quentin began to share more of himself, and Eliot listened.

“Where do you see yourself in the future?” Eliot asked. “I mean, I’m assuming you don’t want to be on this farm forever. God knows I don’t want to be,”

“I… I don’t know,” Quentin said. “I’d like to travel, to see the world. Learn as much as I can. Maybe find someone. But nothing’s set in stone. What about you?”

“Meet a nice boy, move far away from here and build a life together,” Eliot said, softly.

“Would your father let you?” Quentin said, already knowing the answer.

“Never.” Eliot shook his head.

“You deserve to live that life,” Quentin said. “I-I wish I could give it to you,”

Eliot looked over at Quentin, who smiled. Slowly, he cupped his hand on Eliot’s jaw and leaned in. They kissed passionately, and—

***

“Okay, okay,” Penny interrupted. “You don’t have to describe it that much. They kiss, we got it, you can move on,”

“Penny hates kissing, noted,” Sonia said, an edge to her voice.

“Just,” Penny sighed. “These are still my friends you’re talking about, right? It feels, I dunno, creepy,”

“Less creepy kissing, alright,” she said. “Now keep it together, we’ve only just started.”

***

Months had passed, and they had fallen deeply in love. Yet they knew that they could not be together on the farm. So Quentin was going to set off to seek his fortune across the sea, and return when he had some money to support them.

“Are we sure this is a good idea?” Eliot said.

“Unless you have a better one,” Quentin smiled. “I promise, nothing is going to happen. I’ll come back for you,”

“How can you be so sure?” Eliot said.

“Because we're soulmates.” Quentin said simply. “Do you think this happens every day?”

Eliot smiled and they shared a final kiss. But Quentin didn’t make it back. He didn’t even make it across the sea. His ship was attacked by the Pirate King, who never left captives alive.

Eliot was destroyed. He snuck into his father’s liquor and locked himself in his room. He swore he would never love again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I may or may not have ideas for an angsty prequel where Quentin and Eliot fall in love on the farm…


	2. Chapter 2

Years had passed, and the Whitespire Castle courtyard was bustling with activity. Princess Fen was standing on a balcony above the crowd, with High Queen Margo stood behind her.

“My people,” Fen began. A silence fell upon the court. “As you all know, the death of my parents has left our thrones empty.”

Margo cleared her throat.

“Sorry,” Fen corrected. “Not completely empty. I mean, their deaths have left absences.” She glanced behind her before continuing.

“Therefore, I have decided to take a husband.” There were audible gasps in the crowd.

“Then as the only male royal, he will become the High King,” she said. “This will fill not only the throne, but also, a space in my heart. This man was born a commoner like yourselves, but he won’t be for much longer. Now, would you like to meet him?”

The crowd cheered. Fen gestured toward a staircase, glancing behind her. Margo rolled her eyes.

On the top of the staircase, Eliot appeared. Gone were the the loose fitting linen clothes he wore on the farm, instead he wore intricately patterned silks. His hair was styled, and his skin was glowing. He looked gorgeous.

The crowd was in awe. As he walked through the crowd, the people began to kneel. Perhaps it was reverence for their future king. Or perhaps it was fear. Eliot’s eyes welled up with tears.

 

“You’re going to make a wonderful king,” Fen beamed, guiding him into the castle afterwards. Margo followed behind quietly.

“Would you like to go riding?” Fen asked. Eliot nodded. “Well, have fun,” she said, watching him leave. Fen sighed.

“That was quite an introduction,” came a voice from behind them. Margo and Fen turned around to see the Fairy Queen, clad in elegant white robes.

“Oh, your majesty!” Fen said. “How did I do? I kept looking for you, but you weren’t there,”

“I was there, but I did not want my presence known,” the Fairy Queen said. “You must try to be less conspicuous. My people are, after all, a secret? Yes?” she asked.

Fen nodded quickly. The Fairy Queen softened.

“You did well, pet,” she said. “I am sure your people will love him just as much as you do,”

“I just want him to love me,” Fen said, frowning.

“He will come around,” the Fairy Queen said. “In the meantime, you need to prepare. You will be getting married soon, and hopefully carrying a child soon after,”

“Of course,” Fen nodded. “Thank you, your majesty.”

Fen left, leaving the two queens alone. The Fairy Queen walked closer to Margo.

“Now you,” The Fairy Queen said. “You are Queen. No more sulking in the background,”

“Maybe,” Margo said. “If I could actually rule instead of letting eyebrowless creeps make decisions for me—”

“Your royal ancestors made a deal with my people. I am carrying out my end. You should try doing the same,” The Fairy Queen said. Margo stopped talking.

“Good.” The Fairy Queen said. “Now, Fen will need help with those wedding preparations.”

Margo’s eyes narrowed. But The Fairy Queen was gone.

 

Outside the castle, Eliot rode around aimlessly.

“Excuse me,” a voice called out to him.

A meek looking woman with blonde hair stood nearby with two others. One was a woman with curly hair and a fairly intimidating sword. The other was a woman with geometric tattoos on her hands.

“We’re lost!” the blonde woman said. “Is there anything nearby? A town, or a village?”

“No,” Eliot said, riding closer. “There’s nothing around for miles,”

“Then there will be no one around to hear your screams,” she said.

“Julia, now!” She motioned to the tattooed woman.

Eliot began to guide his horse away as Julia moved her hands in a complex series. Eliot promptly fell unconscious.

“Well?” the blonde woman exclaimed. “Get moving!”

They moved Eliot and his horse to a boat docked at the Fillorian waters.

“Kady, ready the boat; Julia, the captive,” the blonde woman ordered. She then went over to the horse and began tearing pieces of cloth.

“Alice, what are you ripping?” Kady asked.

“It’s a guard uniform from the Kingdom of Loria, Fillory’s sworn enemy,” Alice said. She slapped the horse’s rump and it took off.

“When Princess Fen sees the horse with the fabric,” Alice said. “She’ll think that the Lorians abducted her fiancé. And when she finds his body dead on the Lorian border, her suspicions will be completely confirmed!”

“You never said anything about murder,” Julia said. Kady glanced over from what she was doing.

“I hired you to start a war,” Alice said, getting into the boat. “That is a respectable job, murder or not,”

“I just don’t think it’s right,” Julia said. “Killing an innocent man,”

“I'm sorry, did I just hear the word ‘think’ pass your lips? You were hired for your magic not your brains you naive little freak,” Alice said.

“I agree with Julia,” Kady said.

“Oh?” Alice exclaimed. “You both have opinions now! Fantastic, well, guess what? We’re killing him regardless!”

“And remember,” Alice said. “That when I met you, Kady, you were so slobbering drunk, you couldn’t buy brandy! And little Julia, penniless, spineless, helpless, hopeless! Do you want me to send you back to where you were? Sucking dick for spells with the Floaters?”

Alice stalked away, leaving Kady and Julia.

“She’s kind of a bitch,” Kady said. Julia nodded. She was fidgeting with a ball of light she had formed in her hand.

“Hey, you do other magic,” Kady observed, smiling.

“Yeah, sometimes,” Julia said. She held up the ball of light.

“Stop that,” Alice ordered.

“You do more?” Kady asked. Julia nodded. They set sail, and Julia created a small fire in her hand.

“So it’s a real flame?” Kady asked. “Like if you had kindling, you could set it on fire?”

“I told you two to stop it!” Alice said.

“I’d like to set her on fire,” Julia muttered. They both laughed.

“Shut up!” Alice snapped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oooh complications


	3. Chapter 3

The sun was setting on the castle as everyone prepared for the upcoming wedding. Fen and Margo were reviewing plans when their advisor Tick Pickwick burst in. 

“Your Majesty, Your Highness,” he panted. “Eliot has gone missing,”

“What?” Fen cried. 

“What the fuck does that mean?” Margo said. 

“We think he might have been kidnapped by the Lorians,” Tick said, recoiling. “His horse was found with fabric from a Lorian guard uniform,”

“Kidnapped?” Fen asked. “But, wh-what about the wedding! What if he gets hurt? What if he dies! We aren’t even married yet! I won’t even be a widow, I’ll just be…” She searched for the right word. 

“Alone,” she whispered. She started to cry. 

“N-no, Your Highness,” Tick said. “Certainly not, we won’t let that happen.” He looked over at Margo desperately. 

“Thank you, Tick,” Margo said. “We’ll figure things out from here,”

Tick nodded and left the room. 

“What can we do?” Fen said, wiping her eyes. 

“You can form a search party,” came a voice from beside her. The Fairy Queen had appeared. 

“Your Majesty!” Fen exclaimed. “You’ll help?”

“Of course, pet,” the Fairy Queen said. “I’ll bring him back safe and sound,”

“I want to come,” Fen said. 

“No,” the Fairy Queen said. “What if something happens to you? You need to be here in the castle,”

“He’s going to be my husband,” Fen said. “And he’s going to be the King. This important to me, and all of Fillory. I have to come,”

The Fairy Queen looked at her for a moment. 

“Alright,” the Fairy Queen said. “We should leave soon,”

 

The kidnappers continued to sail, though it had become night, and the boat was illuminated by moonlight. Julia sat near Eliot, who rolled over in his sleep. Kady was steering, supervised by Alice. 

“We’ll reach the cliffs by morning,” Alice announced. Kady nodded, glancing back. 

“What?” Alice asked. “What is it?”

“Making sure we aren’t being followed,” Kady said. 

“That would be inconceivable!” Alice dismissed. 

Eliot sat up, finally awake at the other end of the boat. Julia watched him. 

“Despite your confidence,” Eliot said. “Someone will catch you. And the Queen and Princess will have you hanged,”

Alice laughed once, loud and short. “Looks like you’re the one who’s confident. The only neck here you should be worried about is your own.”

Kady ignored them, looking behind the boat. 

“Would you stop that?” Alice said. “No one’s following us,”

“You’re confident?” Kady asked, an eyebrow raised. 

“Yes,” Alice said. “I told you, it would be absolutely, totally, and completely inconceivable. No one in Loria knows what we’re doing, and no one in Fillory could get here so fast. Why do you ask?”

Kady sighed. “Just, something’s behind us,” she said. 

“What?” Alice exclaimed. They all turned around. 

Sure enough, a boat crept behind them in the water. It was a good distance away, but maintaining a high speed. Alice swallowed. 

“Hm.” she said. “Probably nothing. Just a fisherman out at night. In the eel infested waters,”

At that moment there was a splash. They all turned back to see Eliot gone, swimming away. 

“Oh, well that’s just great,” Alice complained. “Well? Go get him!”

Kady and Julia shared a look. Alice threw her hands up. 

“Useless!” she exclaimed. “Why did I even hire you?” She stormed over to the edge of the boat, and watched as Eliot swam away. A high pitched whining sound came from the water. 

“These are eel infested waters, your highness,” she called out. “Ever hear of the Shrieking Eels?   
They’ll eat your skin and scream while they do it,”

Eliot turned around. The noise grew louder. 

“If you come back now,” Alice yelled over the noise. “You’ll remain unharmed. I doubt you’ll get a better offer from the eels,”

Eliot paused. He began to flail. A long eel began wrapping itself around him, it’s jaws open wide as it screamed—

***

“So,” Penny interrupted. “This is just the Princess Bride movie, but with us.” Sonia looked at him blankly.

“You said it was ‘inspired by,’” he continued. “This is the same shit,”

“Well,” Sonia said. “I’ve kept the overarching plot and some of the iconic dialogue, but I think I’ve tailored it to your experiences. It’s at least somewhat different, it had to be to include some of the people and places I wanted it to,”

“I think you did a great job,” Alfred beamed. 

“Shut up, Alfred,” Penny said. Sonia looked at Penny. 

“We can stop, if you want,” Sonia said. 

“Nah, it’s fine,” Penny said. “You’ve only just gotten into it, I don’t want to make you stop.” Sonia nodded, and continued to read. 

***

A long eel began wrapping itself around him, it’s jaws open wide as it screamed. But it was immediately knocked back by a strong force. Moments later, Eliot was levitated out of the water, landing on the boat with a thud. Julia stood at the edge of the boat, breathing heavily.

“Good god, why didn’t you do that earlier!” Alice complained. 

Julia looked up at Alice with her brows furrowed. She knelt down to Eliot, examining him. 

“Here.” Alice said, tossing over some rope. “Tie his hands while you’re there,”

“I think he’s gaining on us,” Kady interrupted, pointing to the boat. 

Alice waved a hand dismissively. “Pay him no mind, we’re close!” 

She looked down at Eliot. His eyes narrowed. 

“I suppose you think you’re brave?” she asked. 

“Better than a coward,” he spat. 

“Better a smart coward than a brave idiot,” Alice said. “You would have died, and for what?” She walked away, leaving him tied up on the ground. 

Some time later, the sun was rising, and the cliffs were straight ahead. 

“He’s not far behind us now,” Kady observed. 

“And his boat is big,” Julia said. 

“It doesn’t matter,” Alice said. “We’ve made it. The Cliffs of Insanity!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> those goddamn eels


	4. Chapter 4

The boat had stopped right next to the cliffs, where a rope was dangling. 

“Now, we have to move quickly to climb that rope, Alice said. “That means you, your highness,”

“The rope is in position,” Kady said. The rope fell onto the deck of the ship. 

“Julia, the harness!” Alice ordered. Julia quickly put on a harness and attached everyone to it. 

“Well, Julia?” Alice prompted. 

Julia sighed, closing her eyes before performing a complex spell. Her hands moved for a while before she spoke. 

“Ok,” Julia said. “So you’ll all be almost weightless, but I don’t know for how long since it’s a pretty complicated spell—”

“Less talking, more climbing,” Alice ordered. 

Julia nodded, grabbing the rope and staring up at the cliffs. She began to climb. 

“This is the worst experience of my life,” Eliot complained. His eyes were screwed shut. “And I grew up on a farm,” 

“Shut it,” Alice said. She looked up, they were making steady progress. Kady was watching the other boat. 

“He’s almost at the cliffs,” Kady said. 

“Inconceivable!” Alice said, trying to twist her head to look. “Well, it doesn’t matter, there’s no way he would be able to climb up Julia’s way,”

“His boat is moving,” Kady interrupted. 

“Well, it’s a boat you idiot, of course it’s moving,” Alice said. 

“No,” Kady said, pointing. “It’s moving up. It’s flying,”

“What!” Alice yelled. “Inconceivable!”

“You keep using that word,” Kady said, turning to stare at her. “I don’t think it means what you think it means,” 

They were nearly at the top of the cliff. Kady looked out at the flying boat. “He’s gaining on us,” she said. 

“Julia!” Alice said. “Go faster!”

Julia huffed. “I thought this was fast,” she said.

“Aren’t you a witch?” Alice asked. “With awe inspiring power and magic? Go faster, why is someone gaining on us?”

“I don’t know how I was supposed to predict the magic boat,” Julia complained. 

“This is the worst kidnapping in history,” Eliot complained. 

“Everyone quiet!” Alice complained. 

They reached the top of the cliff, and Julia helped them all up and out of the harness. 

“He’s nearly here!” Alice said. She looked out over the cliff’s edge. The boat was steadily approaching.

“Well,” she continued. “He’s obviously seen us with the prince, so we have to kill him. Kady, you’ll stay behind. Julia, with me and the prince,”

“I hate to be a bother,” Eliot interrupted, waving with his bound hands. “But I’m not actually a prince until the wedding,”

“Fine, you’re ‘the princess’s betrothed’ then,” Alice exclaimed. “Did you forget who captured who here? You’re lucky you aren’t unconscious right now!”

“I want to fight him left handed,” Kady said abruptly. 

“Does no one realize we’re in a hurry?” Alice said. 

“It’s the only way to make it a fair fight,” Kady reasoned. 

“Fine,” Alice said. “Do whatever you want! Let’s go!”

Julia came over to Kady. “Be careful. He’s surprised us before,”

Kady nodded. They left, leaving Kady alone on the cliff side. 

 

The boat was flying toward the cliff, it’s captain dressed in black with a mask obscuring his eyes. 

“That’s a nice boat you have there,” Kady yelled out at the man. 

“Thank you,” the man yelled back. “She’s called the Muntjac,”

“Does it go any faster?” Kady asked. 

“She doesn’t fly very often, so, I think this is the best we’re getting,” he yelled. 

Kady nodded. “Makes sense,” she yelled. 

“Besides,” he called. “You’re waiting to kill me. I’m not exactly in a hurry,”

“Listen,” she called. “I want a fair fight. I promise, I’m not gonna start until you’re ready,”

“I’m not sure I believe you,” the man yelled. 

“I give you my word as a swordsman,” Kady yelled. 

“I’ve known too many,” he yelled. 

She paused. “I swear on the soul of my mother, we will have a fair fight,” 

“Alright,” the man called. His boat approached the edge of the cliff. 

“We can start on your word,” Kady said. 

“Thank you,” he said. 

“Can I ask, have you met a witch on your travels?” Kady asked. 

“Is that supposed to be an icebreaker?” the man asked, getting off of his boat and leaving it floating. 

“My mother,” Kady began. “She became in debt to a powerful witch, and when she couldn’t do what the witch wanted, she was killed. I swore I’d get revenge, but she disappeared. I’ve been training, trying to find her for years,”

“That’s horrible,” the man said. “So you’ve been tracking her this whole time?”

“Trying to,” she said. “I took this job with Alice just to pay the bills. There's not a lot of money in revenge,”

“Well, I hope you find her someday,” he said. “I think you’d win. Speaking of.” He drew his sword. 

“You’ve been very generous with your time,” he said. 

“You seem pretty decent,” Kady said. “I’d hate to kill you,”

“You seem pretty decent,” the man said. “I’d hate to die.”

Kady and the Man in Black began to fight, and the air was filled with the sound of blades clanging. 

“Holy shit, you’re good!” Kady said, ducking around a blow. “What is that, Plover's attack?”

“I figured it was good for the terrain,” he said. 

“Alright,” Kady said, smiling. “You might be better than me,”

“Thanks,” he said. The man continued to advance toward the cliff’s edge, forcing her backwards. “Then, uh, why are you smiling?”

“Cause I have a secret,” she said, turning away. 

“Oh?” he said. 

“I’m not left handed,” she said. And she switched hands. 

The battle immediately took a turn. Kady forced them away from the cliff’s edge, and her sword became a blur. They fought their way up rocky terrain, Kady in complete control. 

“Y-you’re amazing!” the man said, barely blocking a blow. 

“I have to be, if I’m going to defeat a witch,” she said. 

“I guess I should tell you my secret,” the man said. Kady’s brow furrowed. “I’m not left handed either,”

He switched hands. He immediately forced Kady back down the rocks to the sand below. 

“Who are you?” Kady asked.

He chuckled. “No one important,” he said. 

“Come on,” she complained.

“I guess you’ll have to be disappointed,” he said. 

“Fine,” she said. 

They continued to fight on the sand, but Kady was struggling. Finally, the Man in Black disarmed her. Her sword was sent clattering to the ground, and she fell to her knees. 

“Just kill me quickly,” Kady said. 

“I wouldn’t dare,” the man said. “Y-you’re fantastic! But I can’t have you following me either, so…”

The man knocked her on the head with the hilt of his sword. She fell forward, unconscious. 

“Sorry,” he said. “I hope we meet again. Not when we’re trying to kill each other,”

And with that, he was off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> how does one choreograph fight scenes?? idk man


	5. Chapter 5

“Inconceivable!” Alice exclaimed. 

Alice watched from above as the Man in Black ran along the path. 

“This is ridiculous,” she complained to Julia. “Give me him. You stay here and finish him off, and do it fast!”

Alice grabbed Eliot by the arm, dragging him along the path. 

“What do I do?” Julia called. 

Alice rolled her eyes. “You use magic!” 

“That seems unfair,” Julia mumbled. 

 

The Man in Black was running along a mountain trail. As he turned around a bend in the path, a rock nearby exploded. He looked around to see a woman standing by a boulder. 

“I meant to miss,” Julia said. “I want to give you a fair chance to fight back,”

“Ah,” the Man in Black said. “That’s nice of you,”

“I could’ve just killed you when you turned the corner,” Julia said, raising an eyebrow. 

“N-no,” he said. “I’m glad you didn’t. So, what now?”

“We fight,” she said, shrugging. 

“Right,” he said. He drew his sword. As he approached her, she made a series of complex hand motions, knocking him backward. 

“That’s new,” he complained. He dusted himself off, preparing for an attack from a different angle. 

“What’s with the mask?” Julia asked. “I don’t think you could be that ugly,”

“No, just fashion,” he said, attacking again. She knocked him back to the ground. 

“Right, of course,” she said, smiling. 

“If you don’t mind,” the man said. “I’m gonna try a different approach,”

“Go for it,” she said. He walked around to the other side of the boulder. 

“There was a woman back there,” the man said, climbing up the boulder. “She was looking for a witch,”

“Oh,” Julia said. “That’s Kady. We’re working together for this whole kidnapping thing. She asked me earlier. I told her I’ve meet a lot of witches but I don’t know the one she’s after. Why do you ask?”

“I just hope it works out,” he said. He reached the top and looked down at the top of her head. 

“Me too,” she said. She looked around the side of the boulder. “What’s taking you so long—”

The Man in Black then fell on top of her, knocking her unconscious. 

“I really shouldn’t make a habit out of doing this,” he said. “Hopefully there’s like, a headache spell or something.” He sat her up against the boulder, and continued on. 

 

Fen and the Fairy Queen arrived at the Cliffs of Insanity, accompanied by several guards. The Fairy Queen rode around on her horse, surveying the scene. 

“Marina,” the Fairy Queen said, calling over the head guard. “Look at these tracks,”

Marina rode over, leaving her guards waiting by the rocks. She looked to the marks in the sand. 

“It looks like there was a swordfight here,” Marina said to the Fairy Queen. “Someone attacked the kidnappers,”

“Why is she talking to a horse,” one of the guards muttered, looking straight through the Fairy Queen. 

“Because fuck you, that’s why,” Marina yelled.

“The winner ran off that way,” the Fairy Queen said, pointing a long finger. 

“Let’s go,” Marina said, smiling. 

 

The Man in Black ran up a hill, and saw Alice and Eliot sat at a picnic. As he approached, he saw that Eliot was blindfolded, and had a knife held to his neck. 

“And then there were two,” she called.

“Let me explain—” he said, walking closer. 

“No!” Alice exclaimed. “You’re trying to steal my captive!”

“Maybe we can work something out,” he said. 

“We cannot!” she said, holding the knife tighter. 

“Then I’m not sure what we’re supposed to do,” he said. 

“You’re right,” she agreed. “I can’t compete with you physically, and you’re no match for my brains. It’s a stalemate,”

“I, uh, didn’t realize you were so smart,” he said. 

She sighed. “Have you heard of Plato? Aristotle? Socrates?”

“Yes,” he said. 

“Morons,” she said. 

“Oh?” he said. “How about a battle of wits then,”

“For the prince?” she said. He nodded. 

“To the death?” she exclaimed. He nodded. 

“Alright,” she said. He nodded, sitting down. 

“Pour the wine then,” he said. He took a pouch out of his pocket, handing it to Alice. 

“Inhale this, but don’t touch it directly,” he said. 

“I don’t smell anything,” Alice said. 

“It’s a poison,” he said. “Iocane powder. Odorless, tasteless, dissolves instantly, and very deadly,”

The Man in Black took the powder and full wine glasses, turning around. When he turned back, he set one glass in front of each of them, pocketing the powder. 

“It’s simple,” he said. “Which one has the poison? You decide, and we both drink,”

Alice laughs. “That’s it? But it’s obvious!” she said. 

“Now,” she started. “A smart man would poison his own glass, because only an idiot would drink what they were given. So I obviously can’t drink the wine in front of you. But you know I’m not an idiot, that’s also obvious, so I also can’t drink the wine in front of me,”

“Really?” he asked. 

“Yes!” she exclaimed. “But iocane powder is from the root of a plant. Which means that it’s hiding in something innocuous, much like my glass, so it’s obviously poisoned,”

“You’re very smart,” the man said. 

“I haven’t even gotten started!” she said. “Now where was I?”

“Plants?” he asked. 

“Plants!” she exclaimed. Eliot flinched. “Now of course you would know that I know the origin of the powder. So I obviously can’t choose the wine in front of you,”

“You’re just stalling now,” he said. 

“You wish,” she said. “You beat my witch which means you’re strong, but you beat by swordsman which means you’re smart. You’re smart enough to realize that no one is strong enough to cheat death!”

“I’m not going to tell you anything,” he said. 

“But you’ve already told me everything!” she said. 

“Alright,” he said. “Then you’re ready?”

“Of course,” she said. “Wait, are those the Fillorian guards?” She pointed behind him. 

The Man in Black turned around. She quickly switched the glasses. 

“I don’t see them,” he said. 

“Trick of the light maybe,” she said. “Well?”

She held up her glass. They both drank. 

“You’re wrong,” he smiled. 

“You only think that!” she exclaimed. “I switched the glasses! God, you fell for one of the most classic mistakes. One being ‘Never try to out-drink a talking bear.’ and the other being ‘Never go against a kidnapper when death is on the line!’”

She then laughed for several moments, before dropping to the ground. 

The Man in Black then got up and took the blindfold off of Eliot, helping him to his feet. Eliot looked down and saw Alice’s body on the ground. 

“Who are you?” Eliot asked. 

“No one important,” the man said. “We need to go.” The Man in Black began to pull Eliot along through the mountain paths. 

“You were very confident in yourself,” Eliot said. “You had a high chance she chose the other glass,”

“Neither of them were poisoned,” he said. “She was poisoned when she inhaled it. The wine made it dissolve faster, but she was doomed either way,”

Eliot’s eyes narrowed, watching him was they walked. 

 

Fen and the Fairy Queen had made it to the boulder, the guards waiting around them. Marina examined the boulders from on top of her horse. 

“Someone has beaten a witch!” Marina determined. Fen gasped. 

“Loria shall suffer severely if he dies,” the Fairy Queen said, and led them away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I saw that iocane powder theory online somewhere lol


	6. Chapter 6

The Man in Black dragged Eliot along, finally stopping. 

“Catch your breath,” the Man in Black said. 

“How about,” Eliot said, panting. “You release me, and I get you a sizable ransom fee?”

“No,” the man said. “How could I trust that you’d give it to me?” 

Eliot huffed. “The castle has an absurd number of guards. And the princess is very excited about the wedding. So no matter where you’re taking me, they’ll find us, and rescue me,”

“So you think your darling princess is going to save you?” the man asked. 

“I didn’t call her that,” Eliot said. 

“Don’t you love her?” the man asked. 

“She knows I don’t love her,” Eliot said. “She’s… great. For what she is,” 

The Man in Black scoffed. 

 

Marina and the Fairy Queen looked down at Alice’s body. 

“Poison,” Marina said. 

“Iocane Powder,” the Fairy Queen elaborated. “Don’t touch it,”

“Those are Eliot’s footprints,” she continued. “He was alive, at least recently,”

“Can we save him?” Fen asked. 

“If he’s still alive, I will save him,” the Fairy Queen said. 

 

Eliot continued to walk alongside the Man in Black in silence, glaring at him. After some time, the Man in Black stopped at a hilltop, gesturing for Eliot to rest. 

“I think it’s obvious who you are,” Eliot said. 

“Oh?” the Man in Black said. 

“You’re the Pirate King,” Eliot said. 

The Man in Black gave a small bow. “Guilty as charged,”

“You’re a piece of shit,” Eliot said. 

“That’s maybe a bit strong,” the man said. “I’m just a pirate,”

“And a murder!” Eliot said, standing up. “You killed my soulmate,”

“Really?” the Man in Black asked. “It’s possible. Who was it, another princess?”

“No,” Eliot said. “A farm boy. He was smart, and beautiful, and you attacked his ship and killed him in cold blood,”

“Well, I have a reputation to uphold,” the man said. 

“Fuck you.” Eliot turned away. The Man in Black paused. 

“I-I think I remember him,” the man said. Eliot didn’t move. 

“Was it a few years ago?” the man asked, walking closer to him. “He seemed nice. Painless death, if that helps,”

“He begged, right before,” the man continued. “Said he had someone to go back for. A soulmate. You, I’m guessing. But now you’ve found a princess, so everything’s worked out,”

Eliot looked to him. 

“It killed me when you killed him,” Eliot said. “It was the worst thing that ever happened to me. But I had to move on. I had to get out. It’s been five years,”

While he spoke, there was movement off in the distance. The Man in Black stared past Eliot off at the hilltops, where dust was gathering.

“And I have to get out now,” Eliot said, shoving the man down the hill. 

The Man in Black tumbled down the hill. 

“As… you… wish!” he called. Eliot’s eyes widened. 

“Shit,” Eliot whispered. “Quentin!”

And he jumped down the hill after him. 

 

The Fairy Queen and Fen watched from a distance, their group filing behind them. 

“He must have seen us,” the Fairy Queen said.

“That’s the fire swamp down there,” Marina said, frowning. 

“It is,” the Fairy Queen said, riding forward. “They have no chance,”

 

Eliot and Quentin lay side by side at the bottom of the hill, motionless. Quentin forced himself up and crawled to Eliot. 

“Are you okay?” he asked. 

“Okay?” Eliot smiled. “Q, you’re alive. I’m perfect,”

“I said I’d come back for you,” Quentin said, running a hand through Eliot’s hair. 

“You were dead,” Eliot said. 

“Death can’t separate soulmates,” Quentin said. “It can only keep them apart for a while,”

Eliot laughed. “I won’t doubt you again,”

“You won’t get the chance to,” Quentin said, smiling. 

Eliot leaned in and they kissed, tender and— 

***

“Yeah, got it,” Penny said. 

Sonia sighed. 

“Hey, when do we get to my character?” Penny asked. 

“What?” Sonia said. “Oh, you’re not in it.”

“What do you mean!” Penny said. 

“Well, when I started writing it,” she said. “I tried to correlate your friends with the existing characters. There weren’t that many roles, and you were hard to place,”

“But I’m one of the questers! I’ve saved all their asses multiple times. I died. I don’t even get a shout out?” he complained. 

“I must admit,” Sonia said. “I wasn’t thinking that you’d ever read it. I never meant for it to be a personal attack,”

“Yeah, whatever,” Penny said, slumping in his seat. “Just keep going,”

***

Eliot and Quentin could see the Fillorian guards on the hilltop above them. Quentin smiled. 

“They’re too late,” Quentin said. “We’re about to be in the Fire Swamp, they can’t catch us in there,”

He grabbed Eliot’s hand, pulling him up. 

“The Fire Swamp?” Eliot said. “Are you trying to get us killed?”

“We aren’t going to be killed,” Quentin said, running into the brush. “You’re just saying that because nobody’s ever survived!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oof we can finally stop calling him the Man in Black now


	7. Chapter 7

Quentin and Eliot trudged through the Fire Swamp, slowly making their way through the dense foliage. 

“This isn’t too bad,” Quentin said. 

Eliot turned to stare at him. 

“I mean,” Quentin said quickly, slicing through vines. “It’s not great. But I expected worse,”

“You’re delusional—” Eliot said, just as a burst of flames came out of the ground with a loud pop.

The bottom of Eliot’s pants caught on fire, the cloth igniting quickly. Quentin rushed over to Eliot, batting at the flames. 

“I guess that’s why they call it a fire swamp,” Quentin said once the flames were extinguished. 

“And here I was hoping it would be a metaphorical name,” Eliot said. He bent down to brush at his singed pants, scowling. 

Quentin smiled. Eliot smiled up at him. There was another loud pop. Quentin grabbed Eliot’s hand and they ran toward a nearby tree, just missing another jet of flames. Eliot slumped against the tree. 

“Not too bad,” Eliot deadpanned, turning to look at Quentin. Quentin started walking again. 

“Pretty soon we’ll lose your royal entourage and we can go back to my ship. Then we won’t have to deal with this place ever again,” Quentin said. 

“Right,” Eliot said. “And why do you have a flying pirate ship?” He ducked under a branch. 

Quentin smiled. “I’m the Pirate King,”

“How is that possible?” Eliot protested. “The Pirate King’s been alive for years, he’d have to be ancient,”

“She, actually,” Quentin said. “And she isn’t. Well, okay, it’s complicated.” Eliot raised an eyebrow. 

“So,” he continued. “Our ship did get attacked, a-and I did beg for my life, and I did mention you. And then, I guess she had a soft spot for gay farmers, because she decided to spare me,”

“A very relatable weakness,” Eliot said. Quentin laughed. 

“Yeah,” he said. “So, she kept me as part of her crew. Every night, she was like, ‘I’m probably going to get kill you tomorrow.’ But, she didn’t, obviously. She taught me a lot,”

There was a popping sound from beside them. They both ran out of the way as a jet of flame came out of the ground. 

“A-and then,” Quentin continued, walking forward. “One day, she told me that she wasn’t the Pirate King. The real Pirate King retired years ago. There’s been, a-a whole line of Pirate Kings. They just take the title,”

“So, she asked me if I wanted to take over. And I said yes. You know, earn some money to bring back to you, and then retire. But, you were gone,”

“I thought you were dead, Q,” Eliot said. 

“Yeah,” Quentin said. “I kinda fucked that part up,”

They walked through the trees. 

“A princess?” Quentin asked. 

“I had to get out of there, Q,” Eliot said. “When I found out the princess was looking for a husband, I thought it was my best chance. I just wasn’t expecting the whole kidnapping part.” He rolled his eyes. 

“Well, now you’re with me,” Quentin said. 

“And we’re almost out of this hell swa—” Eliot said, right as he fell into the ground. 

“Quicksand?” Eliot complained, sinking deeper. 

“Apparently,” Quentin said, running over to a tree. 

With his sword, he cut down part of a vine. Looking back, he could see that Eliot was completely submerged. Quentin grabbed the vine swung into the sandpit, disappearing inside. 

The sand remained still for several moments, before both of them broke the surface, gasping for air. They rolled to safety beside the sand, catching their breath. 

“This place is a death trap,” Eliot said, looking up at the trees. 

“A very predictable one,” Quentin said. Eliot turned to stare at him. 

“What is the Fire Swamp known for?” Quentin asked. “Fire, but that has the popping sound to avoid. Quicksand, but we know what that looks like now,”

“What about the R.O.U.S.?” Eliot asked. 

“The Rabbits of Unusual Size? I think they’re a myth,” Quentin said, sitting up. 

He was immediately knocked back down by a snarling mass of fur and teeth. 

“Holy shit.” Eliot scrambled back.

Quentin began wrestling with the beast as he tried to grab his sword. Eliot looked around frantically, picking up a branch and hoisting it like a club.

There was suddenly a popping sound and Quentin rolled over, forcing the rabbit with him. A column of flame came out of the ground and scorched the beast, killing it instantly. 

Quentin collapsed back to the ground, and Eliot dropped his branch. They sat in silence for a while. 

“You kinda feel bad for it, don’t you,” Quentin said, looking at the charred R.O.U.S. remains.

“Nope, not at all,” Eliot said, grabbing Quentin’s hand and pulling him up. 

 

“We made it,” Eliot said in disbelief. They had made it out of the Fire Swamp, and into a forest. Quentin grinned. 

“See?” Quentin said. “Not too bad,” 

“Surrender!” Marina yelled, riding towards them, the others close behind. Quentin stepped back, pulling out his sword. 

“Is that an offer?” Eliot asked. “Because, in that case, we accept,”

“Don’t be an idiot,” Marina said. “Just hand yourself over we can all move on from this,”

“Eliot!” Fen cried, stopping her horse. “I was so worried!”

“Yeah,” Eliot said. “I noticed. I’m good though, so you can just turn back,”

“W-what?” Fen asked.

“Quentin and I,” Eliot said, gesturing to him. “We knew each other back on the farm. We’re in love. So, sorry about your whole wedding, but we’re good,”

Fen stared at them, open mouthed. The Fairy Queen rode to her side. 

“Can’t you see, pet,” the Fairy Queen whispered. “He has been tricked. He has been lied to by this charlatan. He is your fiancé, he should go home with you.” Fen nodded slowly. 

“You’re my fiancé,” Fen said. “Why would you say those things to me?”

“It’s true,” Quentin said. “And if you don’t let us leave, we can just hide out in the Fire Swamp,”

The guards began to raise their weapons, pointing them at Quentin. Eliot glanced around. 

“For fuck’s sake, just surrender,” Marina said. 

“Never!” Quentin said. 

“Please!” Fen cried. 

“Will you promise not to hurt him?” Eliot interrupted. 

“What?” several voices chorused. 

“I said,” Eliot said, holding eye contact with Fen. “If I surrender, and go back with you, will you promise not to hurt him?”

“Of course,” Fen said, nodding. 

“He has a ship, the Muntjac.” Eliot glanced at Quentin. “Promise he’ll be brought back to it,”

“Anything,” Fen said. 

Eliot turned to Quentin. “I thought you were dead. It destroyed me. I couldn’t let it happen again, if I could save you this time…” 

Quentin stared at him. A guard dragged Eliot away. 

The Fairy Queen rode over to Marina. “Make sure he is brought to the Pit of Despair,” she said. Marina smirked. 

Fen and Eliot rode away, the Fairy Queen and several guards trailing behind.

“Well,” Marina said, smiling at Quentin. “Let’s get you to your ship,”

“Really?” Quentin asked. Marina smiled. 

“No,” she said. 

“Didn’t think so,” Quentin said. 

“Hey, those tattoos on your hands,” Quentin said. “You’re a witch. Someone was looking for you,”

Marina sighed. She flicked her fingers and Quentin fell unconscious.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> doesn’t everyone love gay farmers?


	8. Chapter 8

Eliot wandered the castle in a haze. He hadn’t ridden his horse in days, and was hardly eating. Fen watched him as she made wedding preparations. 

“He’s been like that since the Fire Swamp,” she told Margo. She frowned. 

“Being kidnapped must’ve been frightening for him,” she said. 

“That’s probably it,” said Margo softly. 

The day of the wedding came quickly. Fen stood on the balcony above a massive crowd, Margo behind her. 

“Before they passed away,” Fen announced. “My parents told me to love, and be loved. On this day, my love and I have been joined in holy matrimony,”

“I now present to you, Prince Eliot,” she said. 

Eliot descended the stairs. He was dressed beautifully, and was adorned with a crown. 

The crowd began to kneel around him. All except one man. A blind man with a walking stick continued standing. 

***

“Hold up, is that supposed to be Dean Fogg?” Penny demanded. 

“Would you like me to say that it isn’t?” Sonia asked. 

Penny huffed. “No.” he said. 

***

A blind man with a walking stick continued standing. 

“Bullshit!” the blind man said. 

“W-what?” Eliot asked. 

“It’s bullshit!” he yelled, pointing the walking stick towards Eliot. “You young people never appreciate what you have. You had a soulmate! And you gave it all up!”

Eliot frowned. “Quentin would have died if I hadn’t,” Eliot said. 

The blind man scoffed. “Excuses.” he said. “You’re just afraid of your future, afraid of love. Of what will go wrong if you let it happen,”

“So bow to him if you want,” he yelled to the crowd. “Your prince. The Prince of Doubt. The Prince of Trepidation. The Prince of Cowardice. Fuck y—”

Eliot jolted awake. 

He took a shuddering breath. His nightmares had been worsening leading up to the wedding. 

There was a knock at his bedroom door. Margo poked her head in. 

“I know it’s late, can I come in?” Margo asked. Eliot gestured vaguely. 

She sat on the bed beside him. She was silent for a while. 

“Fen’s… new to this,” Margo said. “Her parents’ death was a shock, and I don’t think she was ready to get her shit together and be a leader. But the one thing her parents did tell her was to get a husband. And so now you’ve been roped into this horseshit, and she’s too afraid to let you get out of it,”

“That’s not an excuse for anything,” Eliot said. 

“It’s not,” Margo agreed. “It’s just a half assed explanation. So that whatever shit goes down, you know it’s not anybody’s fault. Everything’s just fucked,”

“You aren’t very good at giving pep talks,” Eliot observed. 

“I’ve never had to give one,” Margo said truthfully. 

“You know what I am good at though?” she asked, smiling. “Drinking. And there’s a bottle in the cellar I’ve been dying to open,”

“Fuck yes,” Eliot said. 

 

Quentin slowly woke up. He saw a room, dimly lit by torches, the walls carved out of stone. He tried to move, but he was chained to a table. 

A tall albino man walked into the room, carrying a tray with food and water. His eyes were black, and his ears were pointed behind slicked back hair. 

“H-hey, where am I?” Quentin asked. 

“The Pit of Despair,” the man whispered. Quentin’s brows furrowed. 

“Don’t even try to escape,” he said. “You’re too weak. And there’s no hope of being rescued either. Only a select few know the secret entrance,”

“So I’m going to die in here?” Quentin asked. 

“When they kill you, yes,” the man said. 

“T-then why cure me?” Quentin asked. The albino man hesitated. 

“They like people to be healthy before they’re broken,” he said. 

“So it’s torture?” Quentin asked. The man nodded. “I can handle that,”

The man shook his head. “You survived the Fire Swamp, that’s very impressive. But nobody can handle The Machine.”

 

It was ten days before the wedding. Eliot had been alone in his chambers for days. Finally, he emerged, and knocked on the door to Fen’s room. 

“Come in,” she said. Eliot walked in, bags under his eyes and his hair a mess. 

“Oh, Eliot, I wa—” Fen started. 

“I can’t marry you,” he said. 

“W-what?” she stuttered. 

“I can’t love you, Fen. Not like I love Quentin,” Eliot said. Fen’s eyes watered. 

The Fairy Queen then appeared by the window. She beckoned for Fen to come over. Fen straightened up, wiping away her tears. 

“I-I’m going to look out the window. Clear my head.” She walked over to the window, glancing to the Fairy Queen. 

“What do I do!” she whispered. 

“Try to be more subtle, for one thing,” the Fairy Queen said. 

Eliot watched the window, where Fen was hysterically whispering to a pane of glass. He sighed, sitting on her bed. 

“I think you should try to make him happy,” the Fairy Queen said. Fen looked shocked. 

“Let us think of it this way,” the Fairy Queen said. “When you ask for something, I often agree. For instance, when you came on the search party. It makes you feel…” 

“Happy,” Fen supplied. 

“Yes. And you want him to be happy, don’t you, pet?” Fen nodded. “So, we agree to send out a message to this Quentin, but we do not send it,”

Fen’s brow furrowed. “Your Majesty,” she whispered. “I don’t want to lie,”

“You aren’t lying, pet,” the Fairy Queen said. You are protecting your fiancé from a dangerous pirate, a kidnapper. There’s nothing wrong in that,”

Fen nodded. “Alright,” she whispered. She turned from the window. 

“Eliot,” she said. Eliot looked up. “We’ll sail a message out to him.” Eliot’s face lit up. 

“But if he doesn’t come back,” Fen said. “Could we still get married?”

Eliot smiled. “Sure we can,” he said. “But Quentin will always come for me,”

 

The Fairy Queen and Marina walked through the forest together. 

“The people seem to love that new prince,” Marina said. 

“He really was the perfect choice,” the Fairy Queen agreed. “He had a bad enough home life to convince him to come here, and he’s handsome enough to make the people love him. All the more tragic when he dies on their wedding night,”

“I thought doing it during the engagement would be a good idea, but when that fool Alice ruined it, I saw a new perspective. If the Lorians were heartless enough to murder a newlywed, the people would demand we go to war,”

“Besides,” Marina said. “Everybody loves a wedding,”

Marina tapped a knot on a tree. A door in the trunk swung open, revealing a hidden staircase. “Are you coming? We’re starting on The Machine today,”

“You know I would love to,” the Fairy Queen said. “But I have a princess to deceive, the fairy race to lead, a man to murder and Loria to frame for it. I am swamped,”

“Take care of yourself,” Marina said, ducking down the stairs. 

She emerged into the underground room. Quentin lay on the table, turning to face her. 

She strolled over to him, shoes clacking on the stone floor. 

“This machine is my proudest creation,” Marina said. Quentin’s eyes narrowed. 

The fairy returned to the room, and began to apply suction cups along Quentin’s torso. 

“It drains your life, your essence,” Marina continued. “Very powerful magic,”

“It also causes terrible pain.” She smiled. “So, let’s try it shall we?”

She made a complicated gesture, and The Machine hummed to life. Quentin screamed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like to think that in any world Margo and Eliot become best friends


	9. Chapter 9

“Tick,” Marina called. Tick turned around and ran over to her. 

“Yes, Marina?” he asked. 

“I trust you,” she smiled. “So I think I can tell you, there is a plot in Loria to kill the prince,”

Tick looked shocked. “Ma’am, I had heard of no such plot,” Tick said. 

Eliot walked up to them. 

“Have you heard anything from Quentin?” he asked. Marina shook her head. 

“He will come for me.” Eliot walked away. 

“Ma’am,” Tick whispered. “How could this be?”

“I don’t give a shit, it just needs to be stopped,” Marina said. “I need the Thieves’ Forest emptied and everyone arrested,”

“How should I do that?,” Tick protested. 

“Form a Brute Squad, I don’t know. Figure it out, Pickwick,” she said. 

“It won’t be easy,” Tick said. 

“Try being me sometime,” Marina said. 

 

Soldiers had overrun the Thieves’ Forest, arresting everyone. 

“Any update?” Tick asked a soldier. 

“We’re nearly done,” the soldier said. “There’s just a woman causing some problems,”

Tick huffed. “May I suggest, you handle it before Marina gets here?” he asked.

“Yes sir,” the soldier said, running off. 

The soldier approached the woman, who was slumped against a wall, waving her sword around. 

“I did everything I was supposed to!” Kady yelled. “I came along, I fought the guy, and now I’m alone! I don’t know what I’m supposed to do! Come back for me assholes!”

“Excuse me—” the soldier said. 

“Fuck you!” Kady yelled. The soldier flinched. 

“Hey,” said a voice nearby. Julia walked through the trees. 

“W-who are you?” the soldier said, drawing his sword. He was then knocked unconscious by Julia’s magic, flopping to the ground. 

“You came,” Kady said in disbelief. 

“Of course I did,” Julia said. She knelt down to Kady. 

“You look like shit,” Julia said, smiling. Kady laughed. 

“Maybe,” Kady said. “But I feel fine,”

“That’s all the alcohol,” Julia said. “Let’s get you some food,”

They stayed in the Thieves’ Forest, and Julia fed her some stew from the now abandoned pub. 

Julia informed Kady of Alice’s death and told he about Marina. Kady spit out her stew. 

***  
“Hold up,” Penny said. Sonia raised her eyebrows. 

“How does Julia know?” he said. “How does she know that Marina killed Kady’s mom? I mean, Quentin knows it’s her, but we don’t know if Julia does,”

“It’s a plot hole!” Alfred whispered, shocked. 

“Yes, well it was in the original,” Sonia said. “So if we can continue?”

***

Kady spit out her stew. 

“This is bullshit!” Kady complained. “Where’s Marina, I’ve been waiting years for this,”

“She’s at the castle with the princess, but it has like thirty guards,” Julia said. 

“And with your magic…” Kady suggested. 

“I could only handle a few,” Julia said. 

“Shit,” Kady said. “We need someone to plan,”

“Alice is dead,” Julia pointed out. 

Kady looked up at Julia, smiling. “No, not Alice. The Man in Black,”

“What?” Julia said. 

“Think about it,” Kady said, excited. “He’s smart and talented and—”

“And you don’t know where he is!” Julia protested.

“Can’t you track him?” Kady asked. “With magic?”

“You want me to just… track him,” Julia deadpanned. 

“I mean, could you try?” Kady asked. 

Julia sighed. “It’s worth a shot,” she said. 

Kady jumped up. “Come on,” she grinned. 

She ran to the doorway. “I will have revenge!”

 

Fen walked down a corridor with the Fairy Queen invisible behind her. 

“Tick,” Fen called. “How do things look?”

“Well, your highness,” Tick smiled. “The Thieves’ Forest has been emptied and we have thirty men at the castle gate,”

“I want more,” she said. “We need to be safe on our wedding day,”

“Of course,” Tick said. “Though, the gate does have only one key, and I always have it,”

He showed the key, which dangled from a chain around his neck. Eliot then walked past them.

“Oh, Eliot!” Fen said. “Aren’t you excited? Tonight is our wedding! And then the whole armada is going to take us on our honeymoon—”

“Except the ship you used for the message,” Eliot interrupted. 

Fen stared at him. 

“The message to Quentin,” Eliot said. 

“Oh yes, that ship,” Fen said, hurriedly. 

Tick bowed and walked away quietly. 

Eliot sighed. “I know you didn’t send anything. It doesn’t matter. He came for me then and he’ll come for me now,”

“Stop it,” Fen said. 

“No, Fen,” Eliot said. “You couldn’t accept this half-ass marriage for what it was. You had to ruin it and manipulate and lie and—”

“Stop!” she cried. 

“No!” Eliot said. “He and I are soulmates. And you cannot destroy that. No matter what you do, he will come for me,”

“Tell him to go to his chambers,” the Fairy Queen whispered. 

“Go to your room!” Fen said. 

“Fine,” Eliot spat. 

He walked out of sight. 

The Fairy Queen touched Fen’s cheek. “I will handle this, pet.”

 

In the Pit of Despair, Quentin was in his restraints, barely conscious. Marina was speaking to the fairy about rations when the Fairy Queen appeared. 

“Your Majesty,” Marina smiled. 

“I have grown tired of this nonsense,” the Fairy Queen said. She stalked across the room. “Kill him,”

Marina furrowed her brow. “Are you sure? This seems… sooner than we had planned,”

“Do not question me,” she said. “Now, Marina!”

Marina nodded, raising up her hands and moving them in a complex pattern. The Machine began to hum, the frame knocking back and forth as magic surged through it. 

Quentin groaned, the pain enough to waken him. He screamed, a blood curdling noise that caused the other fairy to wince. 

And then, nothing. 

Marina walked over to him. “Dead as can be,” she said. 

“Good.” the Fairy Queen said, and disappeared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tick is such a kiss ass lol


	10. Chapter 10

Kady and Julia stood on the outskirts of the empty Thieves’ Forest. 

“Alright,” Julia said. “So I think I can make a tracking spell for him since I met him, but I need an object to bind it to,”

“What?” Kady complained. 

“The spell,” Julia explained. “I need to put the magic into an object, I can’t just hold it in my hands,”

“My sword!” Kady said, pulling it out. Julia raised her eyebrows. 

“I guess,” she said. 

Kady lay the sword on the ground. Julia walked back several feet before starting a long spell. The sword glistened for a moment, before returning to normal. 

“Go pick it up,” Julia said, nodding toward it. 

Kady approached the sword, crouching to pick it up. Her grip tightened, straightening up. 

“It’s… pulling me,” Kady said. She grinned. 

“Let’s find this masked son of a bitch!” she said.

 

The sword pulled them through the forest, and they ran, weaving through the trees. Suddenly, Kady slowed to a halt. 

“What? What is it?” Julia asked. 

“It’s… not doing anything anymore,” Kady said. 

“The spell shouldn’t have worn off,” Julia said. “Are you sure?” 

“Yes, I’m sure,” Kady said. 

“Then maybe he’s here,” Julia suggested. Kady looked around at the trees. 

“Where? Where is he Julia?” she complained. “Years I’ve been hunting down Marina and now I can’t get to her because the magic sword is broken!”

Kady closed her eyes. “Please mother, I’m trying. If you can help…” 

She began to walk, her sword in front of her. Eventually, her sword stabbed a tree. 

“Hey,” Julia said. “Something just happened,”

Kady opened her eyes and looked down. A doorway had opened in the tree trunk. Kady and Julia glanced at each other. They went through the door. They went down the stairs, emerging to see Quentin on a table. 

“The Man in Black!” Kady whispered, walking toward him. Julia took his pulse. 

“He’s dead,” Julia said. 

“Fuck,” Kady said. She sighed. “Alright, bring him with us,”

“The body?” Julia asked. 

“Yeah, we’re gonna bring him back. I know a guy.”

 

Kady pounded on the door of a small cabin. Julia stood behind her with Quentin balanced in a wheelbarrow. The door remained closed. 

Kady knocked louder. Finally, a window opened in the door. 

“Fuck, what do you want?” a man said.

“Are you Genius Josh? Who worked for the castle?” Kady asked. 

***

“Goddamnit!” Penny complained. Sonia glanced up at him. 

“Josh isn’t a genius, he’s a dumbass stoner,” Penny ranted. “He couldn’t bring anyone back, if he could, I wouldn’t be trapped in the fucking underworld!”

Sonia sighed. 

“Are you okay?” she asked. Penny scowled. 

“Yeah,” Penny said. “Just… keep going,”

***

“Are you Genius Josh? Who worked for the castle?” Kady asked. 

“Yeah, worked. Past tense. Princess there fired me,” Josh said. “Thanks for coming all this way to remind me of it, really awesome of you, goodbye.”

He closed the window. Kady knocked again. He opened it. 

“Get out of here, seriously, or I’ll get the Brute Squad,” Josh said. 

Julia held up her hand, a fire in her palm. “Try it,” she said. 

“Holy shit,” Josh whispered.

“We need a miracle,” Kady said. “It’s important,”

“Fuck no, I’m out of the miracle game,” Josh said. “Recreational stuff, that’s different, but no miracles. Besides, why would you want someone the princess fired? I could kill whoever needs the miracle—”

“He’s already dead,” Kady said. 

“Oh.” Josh thought. “Alright, bring him in,”

Julia wheeled Quentin into the cabin, levitating him onto a table. Josh walked around the body. 

“I’m gonna need payment,” Josh said. 

“We don’t have money,” Julia said. 

“But it’s important,” Kady said. 

Josh rolled his eyes. “How important could it be that I have to pull a miracle outta my ass for no money?”

“Uh,” Kady said. 

“We’re, um, childhood friends,” Julia said. “We’re like family,”

“That’s obviously bullshit,” Josh rolling his eyes. 

“He’s helping me avenge the death of my mother,” Kady said. 

“Sure he is,” Josh deadpanned. “Okay, okay, I have a plan,”

He lifted up an arm and let it fall back down. Kady and Julia shared a glance. 

“Can you hurry up?” Kady said. 

“Hey, I’m doing free work here,” Josh complained. He stood up. 

“Well, the good news is,” Josh said. “He’s only mostly dead,” 

“What’s that supposed to mean, ‘mostly dead’?” Julia asked. 

“Partly alive,” Josh said, smirking. He then went over to a cluttered desk and began prepping. 

“Is that a bong?” Kady asked. 

“Yes,” Josh said. 

“Why?” Julia asked. 

“My blend of medicinal plants. Gets into the lungs, it’s incredible stuff,” Josh said. “Lift his head up,”

Julia went to Quentin, propping his head against her chest. Josh lit the bong underneath Quentin’s lifeless face. 

“This is bullshit,” Kady said. 

“Give it a minute,” Josh said. 

“Hey,” Josh demanded to Quentin. “What’s important to you? Why do you have to keep living?”

Quentin was silent. 

“Suulllmaaayyye,” he groaned. 

“What?” Josh asked. 

“Soulmate!” Julia said. “He said soulmate. Isn’t that an important thing?”

“Soulmates are important, sure,” Josh said. “But he didn’t say that. He said ‘sold me’. Like, he made a bad deal and he got sold someth—”

“Bullshit!” said a woman storming into the room. 

“Ah shit,” Josh said. 

“He said soulmate and you know it!” the woman said. 

“Who’s this?” Julia asked. 

“His wife!” the woman yelled. 

“No she’s not,” Josh said hurriedly. “She’s just some werewolf girl I banged. I’m still very much availabl—”

“You’re just insecure because Princess Fen fired you!” she said. 

“Hey!” Josh said. “You promised not to mention her!” 

“Wait,” Julia said. “This man is Prince Eliot’s soulmate. If you bring him back, it ruins the princess’s wedding,”

“Humiliates the princess?” Josh asked. 

“Definitely,” Kady said. 

***

“Sorry, hold on,” Alfred said. “How did they know that Eliot is Quentin’s true love? I mean, they know about the wedding, everyone in the kingdom has gotta, but the soulmate part?”

“Yes,” Sonia said. “As with Julia’s knowledge of Marina, it was in the original. Apparently it was more convenient for the writers to just make all the characters clairvoyant. But your problem isn’t with me, it’s with the lazy writers who adapted a campy 80s fantasy movie. I’m sorry. Now please, can we move on?”

“Yeah, come on Alfred,” someone said. 

Penny smriked. 

***

“Definitely,” Kady said. 

“Huh,” Josh said. 

“If you do not help these poor women and bring back this man I will never have sex with you again,” the woman said. 

Josh paled. 

“Let’s make a miracle!” he announced. 

 

Josh worked hard on a life saving cure, crushing herbs and boiling produce. His wife offered Kady and Julia tea. 

“It’s done!” Josh said. He held up a jar half full of a thick juice. 

“That’s it?” Kady grimaced. 

“Well he’s mostly dead,” Josh explained. “How do you expect him to get down solid food?”

“It has everything you need to cure a dead man, plus some chocolate for the breath,” he continued. “It’ll take a while before he’s back in fighting shape, but at least he’ll be awake,”

“Thank you,” Julia said, taking the jar. 

“I hope it goes well,” Josh’s wife said. Julia levitated Quentin back into the wheelbarrow. 

“Good luck storming the castle,” Josh called. 

Kady and Julia made it out the door. Josh’s wife waved. 

“Is it going to work?” his wife asked. 

“No idea,” Josh said. “It would take an actual miracle. Can we fuck now?”

Josh’s wife rolled her eyes, pulling him back into the cabin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I mean, come on, it had to be Josh


	11. Chapter 11

Kady and Julia had made it to the castle, hiding out behind the castle wall. Quentin’s body lay next to them. 

“That’s more than thirty guards,” Julia said, looking at the gate. 

“We’ll figure it out,” Kady said. “Here, let’s give him the potion,”

Julia sat Quentin up, pouring the liquid into his mouth. 

“At least it tastes like chocolate,” Julia said. 

“When will he wake up?” Kady asked. 

“Who are you? Where’s Eliot?” Quentin demanded, opening his eyes. 

“Now, apparently,” Julia said. 

“Where am I? What happened? Why can’t I move?” Quentin asked. 

“You’ve been mostly dead for the past few hours,” Julia said. 

“What’s going on!” Quentin said. 

“Listen,” Kady said. “We kidnapped the prince. You kidnapped him from us. You lost him. Now he’s getting married to the princess. We need to break into the castle, stop the wedding, steal him back and get out before I kill Marina,”

Quentin blinked. 

“Huh,” he said. “When’s the wedding?”

“A few minutes,” Julia said. 

“Then we should get started,” Quentin said, foot twitching. 

“You just moved!” Julia said. 

“That probably won’t help us much,” Quentin said. “What are we up against?”

“There’s one gate,” Kady said. 

“And a lot of guards,” Julia added. 

“And what do we have to work with?” he asked. 

“Your brains, my blade, and her magic,” Kady said. 

“I don’t want a-a resume,” Quentin complained. “What do we have, anything,”

“We had a wheelbarrow but we left it away from the castle, I have a cloak, Kady has a sword, I—” Julia said. 

“Wait, the cloak, we can do something with that,” Quentin said. 

“So you have a plan?” Kady asked. 

“I might in a few minutes,” Quentin said. “Oh, and I’ll need a sword,”

 

The castle was busier than normal, making last minute wedding preparations. Margo was slumped in a chair, taking sips from a wine glass. Fen and Eliot were being attended to by staff. 

Eliot looked perfect. He also looked calm. 

“Eliot, are you alright?” Fen asked. 

“Yes,” Eliot said. 

“I just thought that,” Fen said. “I mean, I’m sorry that—”

“Leave him alone, pet,” the Fairy Queen said, appearing behind her. “Let's not spoil the big day,”

“I’ll see you at the altar,” Fen said, hurrying away. 

“We will not get married,” Eliot whispered. “Quentin will save me,”

The clergyman walked by, and Margo jumped out of her chair. 

“Hey,” Margo said. “You there. Priest.” The clergyman looked over. 

“It’s Father Todd,” he said, smiling. 

***

“Todd?” Penny interrupted. “You put in Todd, but not me!” 

Sonia shifted in her chair. 

“He’s a fuckin’ loser physical kid! You thought of him before me?” Penny said.

“Well, he’s a fan favorite,” Sonia said, gesturing around the room. The members of the book club nodded in agreement. 

“Yeah, Todd’s great!” Alfred grinned.

“Shut the fuck up, Alfred!” Penny yelled. Alfred closed his mouth, nodding hurriedly. 

“Do we need to stop readi—” Sonia asked. 

“No!” Penny said. “Just, keep going,”

“Okay then,” she said. 

“Todd,” Penny muttered. 

***

“It’s Father Todd,” he said, smiling. 

“Yeah, whatever,” Margo said. “How long does your service usually take?”

Todd blinked. “Uh, well, I try to keep them short, because people like them better that way,”

“But,” he said. “I was taught that nuptial services can go as long as the couple wants. I knew a guy, he did a service that lasted forever—”

“Perfect,” Margo said. “Do that,”

“Oh,” Todd said. “Why?”

“Because,” Margo said. “I told you to,”

“Okay,” Todd said. “Uh, hey, are you busy after this?”

Margo stared at him. 

“Are you asking me out?” she asked. “Aren’t you, like, a man of god? Didn’t you take a vow of celibacy or something?”

“No,” Todd said, shaking his head quickly. 

“Fine, I’ll think about it,” she said, walking away. 

 

“Oh god,” a guard yelled. “We’re going to die!”

Julia had put on the cloak, obscuring her features. She had lit the bottom on fire, and held a fireball in her hand. 

“Stand your ground!” another guard ordered. Julia approached slowly. 

“I have come,” Julia said. “For your souls!”

On cue, Quentin and Kady lit kindling around the castle. The guards ran away in terror. 

 

“Marriage,” Todd said. “Marriage is pretty awesome. It’s like, letting the person you love know you’re into them, forever, in front of god,”

Todd glanced at Margo. She smiled and nodded. 

“So what is love?” Todd continued. 

 

Julia sighed, taking down the hood and casting out the fire. Kady dragged Quentin over. 

“That’s step one done,” Julia said. 

“Now the gate,” Kady said. 

 

“And that’s why you never travel with an ogre,” Todd continued. 

“Make him go faster,” the Fairy Queen ordered. 

“Um,” Fen interrupted. “Could you skip ahead?”

“Oh,” Todd said. “Okay. Just, I kinda had this thing going, but uh, never mind. Do we have the rings?”

 

Tick stood at the gate, cowering in fear. 

“Give us the gate key,” Kady ordered. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Tick smiled. 

“Julia, set him on fire,” Quentin said. 

“Oh, you mean this gate key?” Tick said, taking it out. 

 

“I now pronounce you man and wife,” Todd said. 

“Wonderful!” Fen exclaimed. 

“Send him to his room,” the Fairy Queen ordered. 

“Um, Margo, take Eliot up to his chambers, I’ll be there in a minute,” Fen said. Margo nodded. 

Eliot walked through the corridors in a haze. 

“He didn’t come,” he whispered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> he’s a fan favorite!


	12. Chapter 12

Kady and Julia made it inside the castle. They were carrying Quentin, who was in turn carrying one of the guard’s swords. They ran through the corridors, coming across a group of guards.

“Hey!” one of them yelled. “Who let you in here?”

Marina pushed her way through the group of soldiers, her eyes widening when she saw Quentin. 

“Kill the women,” she ordered. “But leave the man alive,”

Kady stepped forward, drawing out her sword. Soldiers came forward, and she easily knocked them down, fighting her way through them. Marina took a step back. 

“My name is Kady Orloff-Diaz,” she said, approaching Marina. “You killed my mother. Prepare to die,” 

Marina looked at her for a moment, before running down a corridor. 

“What the fuck?” Kady said, lowering her sword. 

She ran after her, until the hallway ended at a large wooden door. Kady threw herself against it. It didn’t budge. 

“Julia!” Kady called. “I need you!” 

Julia frowned. “I can’t just leave him,” she called. 

“Please, Jules,” Kady said. “She’s getting away!”

Julia looked around, leaning Quentin against pillar. 

“I’ll be right back,” Julia said, running off. 

“Oh, g-great,” Quentin said. “Love it,”

Julia reached Kady, who was still kicking at the door. Julia raised her arms, casting a spell that shattered the door into pieces. 

“Thank you,” Kady said. She ran through the door. 

 

Eliot went to his chambers with Margo, curling up on a loveseat. 

“Thank you,” he whispered. “For helping me not feel alone,”

“Oh, baby,” Margo said. She sat next to him, taking him in her arms. 

“I don’t think I can do this anymore,” he whispered. 

 

Kady chased after Marina, winding through the castle. Eventually, Marina stopped, turning around. She cast a spell, knocking Kady to the ground. 

“Shit,” Kady whispered, struggling to stand. 

“I know you!” Marina said. She walked toward her. 

“Your mother worked for me,” she continued. “She was terrible at it, it’s hard to find good help these days. God, have you been trying to find me all this time? That’s adorable!”

“I have magic, sweetheart,” Marina smiled, crouching down. “You're not gonna win,”

Kady smirked. 

“But I can give one hell of a fight,” Kady said. 

She drew her sword, stabbing up at Marina. 

“My name is Kady Orloff-Diaz.” She stood up. “You killed my mother. Prepare to die,” 

Marina backed away, clutching the wound in her abdomen. 

“My name is Kady Orloff-Diaz,” Kady backed her against a wall. “You killed my mother. Prepare to die,” 

“My name is Kady Orloff-Diaz—”

“Please don’t kill me!” Marina cried. 

Kady paused. 

“Give me money,” Kady said. 

“Yes!” Marina said. 

“Give me a job in the guard,” Kady said. 

“Anything!” Marina said. 

“Anything?” Kady asked. 

“Yes!” Marina cried. 

“I want my mother back you bitch,” Kady spat. She stabbed Marina in the heart. Marina collapsed to the floor. 

 

Quentin and Julia stood in the doorway to Eliot’s chambers.

“Sorry I missed the service,” Quentin smiled. 

Eliot whirled around. 

“Quentin!” Eliot said. He jumped up to give him a hug. 

“E-easy, easy,” Quentin said, wincing. “I was sort of, well, it's a long story. Can I lay down?”

“Of course,” Eliot said. Julia helped Quentin onto Eliot’s bed. 

“Sorry,” Eliot said to Julia. “Who are you?”

“Oh, uh, Julia,” Quentin said. “She and Kady helped me break in. It’s complicated,”

“Got it,” Eliot said. 

“So this is him, huh?” Margo said. “He is cute,”

“Of course he is,” Eliot said, getting onto the bed. Margo smiled. 

“What’s going on?” Fen asked, standing in the doorway. 

Eliot moved closer to Quentin, hugging an arm around him. 

“Your torture didn’t work,” Quentin smirked. 

“T-torture?” Fen said. “I wouldn’t torture anybody!”

“Well, not you directly,” Quentin said. “It was Marina and two pale people,” 

“Whoever did it,” Quentin dismissed. “I lived, and I’m here for Eliot,”

Fen looked to Margo. 

“C-could that have been…” Fen asked. 

“Yes, it was me,” the Fairy Queen said, appearing next to Margo. She was visible to everyone. 

“Your Majesty!” Fen cried. 

“I tried to kill the pirate,” the Fairy Queen admitted. 

“But it was to protect you, pet,” she continued. “However, I now fear that both these men are becoming a dangerous liability. For your sake, we should get rid of them, and the witch. Don’t you agree?”

“No,” Margo said, standing up from the loveseat. The Fairy Queen blinked. 

“Excuse me?” the Fairy Queen said. 

“We aren’t doing that,” Margo said. “You’ve been running shit behind our backs for years. Now you’re all obsessed with murder and think I’m gonna be okay with it? This is over,” 

“Your ancestors made a deal,” the Fairy Queen said. Her eyes narrowed. 

“Some weak ass king asked for protection in exchange for his silence. That doesn’t mean you and your little friends get to go around torturing people. I want you out of the kingdom—”

“I would consider what you are saying,” the Fairy Queen said.

“Now. You and all the fairies. Find somewhere else to fuck with,” Margo said. 

The Fairy Queen turned to Fen. 

“Pet, think about this,” she said. 

Fen looked up at her. 

“No.” Fen whispered. 

“You will regret this,” the Fairy Queen spat. She disappeared. 

They all looked at each other. 

Kady burst in. 

“What’d I miss?” she grinned. 

“We just banished a secret fairy race from the kingdom,” Quentin said, shocked. 

“Oh,” Kady said. “Well, I killed Marina,”

Julia smiled. “Nice,” she said. 

There was a tense moment of silence. 

“So,” Eliot said. “What now?”

“You should stay,” Fen said. Eliot raised his eyebrows. 

“I meant it when I said you’d make a good king,” Fen said. “Our marriage hasn't been very good, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be a ruler. Stay here. Please,”

“What about Q?” Eliot asked. 

“The pirate? Or, um, Quentin? You can marry him too. Royalty can have both a husband and a wife,” Fen said. 

“When the fuck were you going to tell me that!” Eliot said. Fen blushed. 

“We’re also gonna need a new head guard,” Margo interrupted. “I heard that our last one died tragically.” She smirked. 

“Huh, sounds like something I’d be good at,” Kady said. “Could I have a witch as an assistant?”

“I don’t see why not,” Margo said. 

Julia blushed. 

“So if we’re staying,” Quentin started. “Is this room open for the night?”

“Sure,” Margo said. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a priest to go fuck.”

***

There was scattered applause in the room as Sonia closed the book. 

“Great job!” Alfred said. 

“Thank you, Alfred,” Sonia said. She looked over at Penny. He sat silently in his chair. 

“Penny?” she asked. 

“Huh?” He looked up. “Yeah, it was great,”

Sonia looked at him. The room was quiet. 

“Just.” Penny sighed. “In that whole fucking thing, you couldn’t have found a way to put me in there? In that whole story?”

Sonia smiled, and put the book down on the table in front of him. 

“Maybe it’s time you realize you aren’t a part of their story anymore,” she said. 

Everyone in the book club began to file out of the room. Eventually, only Penny was left. He sat there for what could have been hours, eyes watering. 

He snatched the book on his way out. It would be nice to have during the next few centuries.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow now we just have the epilogue!


	13. Epilogue

Penny was shelving books. He pushed his cart around the library, working through the stack he was assigned. It took a while, but there was no true sense of time in the library. He went from section to section, whittling down the stack to just one book. He put away the book, a philosophy textbook, when something caught his eye. 

On his cart, underneath where his stack had been, lay folded up paper. He picked it up, unfolding it. 

It was covered in neat handwriting. At the top, said the words “I didn’t think she was super fair to you, and I thought you should have a better ending”. 

Penny glanced around him. There was no one around. He sat on the ground, and began to read. 

***

“I just don’t understand why the flower arrangements matter so much,” Quentin said. 

Eliot sighed. “It’s a good thing you’re pretty,” he said. “Margo, come help me pick flowers!”

Margo hoisted herself up from her chair. 

“One wedding was bad enough,” Margo complained. “We have actual shit to do, in case you forgot,”

“That wedding didn’t count,” Eliot dismissed. “No offense, Fen,”

“No, I get it,” Fen said. “I mean, it was kind of a mess,”

“We aren’t getting that same priest again, right?” Eliot asked. 

“Oh, please god, no,” Fen said. 

“I liked him,” Margo smirked. 

“Cause he ate you out!” Eliot exclaimed. 

“And he stalled so your pirate boyfriend could show up!” Margo retorted. 

“Fine, get the priest,” Eliot complained. “But the napkins are going to be mauve, not indigo!”

He huffed off to his room. 

Quentin sighed. “I mean I love him, but I wish we had just eloped,”

 

“How’s the project coming along?” Kady asked. 

The Thieves’ Forest was being rebuilt to improve housing for lower income Fillorians. The name was also being changed to Eliot Village, since it was the first public works project under the new king. 

“The project is going well, ma’am,” a guard said, straightening up. 

“Are people already able to move in?” Julia asked. 

“Yes, ma’am, some of them,” the guard said. 

“Good,” Kady said. 

“I want this place finished soon people!” she called out. “We’ve got a lot of people coming here, a lot of them are people you threw jail for no reason. I want them to have a town to come back to!” 

The guards and builders working on the project looked uncomfortable. 

Kady smiled at Julia, who laughed. 

“Let’s go check it out,” Julia said. 

The two of them walked down to the village. Kady looked around, admiring the work done on the village, when she bumped into someone. 

“Kady,” the man said, surprised. 

“Penny,” Kady whispered, looking up at him.

They stared at each other in awed silence. 

“Right,” Julia said. “And who are you?”

“Oh,” Kady said. “Jules, this is Penny. He and I, we uh, we knew each other,” Kady said. 

“Right,” Julia said, glancing between them. “So are you moving into the village?” Julia asked. 

“Nah,” Penny said. “I’m not one for settling down. Kady knows that. She’s not one for sticking around either,”

“Right,” Julia said. “Well, we’ll see you around.” She grabbed Kady’s hand and pulled her along. 

“What the fuck was that?” Julia asked Kady. 

“I kinda slept with him for a while?” Kady said. “I needed a place to stay and then I split when I got another lead on Marina. I guess I wasn’t expecting to see him again,”

“You still aren’t over him,” Julia observed. 

“What? Of course I’m over him, I’m dating you,” Kady said. Julia sighed. 

“You can be into me and him at the same time, Kades. There’s no rule against it,” Julia said. 

Kady nodded slowly. “Should I go talk to him?” she asked. 

“If you want to,” Julia said. Kady nodded.

“Okay,” Kady said. She squeezed Julia’s hand before letting go and walking back. 

“Hey,” she said. 

“Who was that?” Penny asked. 

“My girlfriend,” Kady said. 

“Oh,” Penny said. 

“And she’s a witch, so she can fuck you up,” Kady smirked. 

“Did you find the one who—” Penny said.

“Killed her,” Kady said. 

“Damn,” Penny said. “Is that why you came to this part of Fillory?”

“Yeah,” Kady said. “But I kinda became head of the guard. So I guess I’m staying for a while,”

“Shit,” Penny said. “Kady staying in one place, never thought I’d see the day,”

“What about you?” Kady asked. “Just passing through?”

“I guess so,” Penny said. 

They stood in silence. 

“Kady, I’ve missed you,” Penny blurted out. “It was shit how things ended, and it’s shit being away from you. I’m happy that you found someone, but goddamnit it’s hard,” 

Kady looked up at him.

“You should stay,” Julia said, walking up behind Kady.

“What?” Penny said. 

“You should stay here,” Julia said. 

“You want your girlfriend’s ex hanging around?” Penny raised an eyebrow. 

“Well, not really,” Julia admitted. “But I do want Kady to be happy. And I think you’re could be a part of that.” Kady looked over at her, shocked. 

“Plus,” Julia joked. “I just spent months on this housing project, and I don’t want any lots staying empty,”

“So I’m staying?” Penny asked. 

“I guess so,” Kady said, a small smile on her face. 

 

“I want a baby,” Fen declared. 

Eliot blinked. 

“Uh,” he said. 

“I know how you feel about me,” she said. “And it doesn’t have to be you. Maybe Quentin could do it. I mean, once you get married he’ll kind of be my husband too, right?”

“I’m just,” she said. “I’m supposed to carry on the royal bloodline. It’s my only job. I mean, I guess Margo could do it but she has a real job being queen, and this is all I’m supposed to do. And like, if I don’t do that then what's even the point?”

Fen started tearing up. 

“And I just really want to be a mother! You know? And like, to think that I might not get to do that?”

She started sobbing. 

“Oh,” Eliot said. “Oh no,”

Eliot draped an arm around Fen, pulling her into a hug. 

“Listen,” he said. “You’re going to make a great mom. And we’re going to get you pregnant. It’s probably not gonna be me, but I’m sure Quentin would want to,”

He caught the eye of a passing guard. 

“Get Quentin,” he ordered. 

The guard rushed off, returning with a confused Quentin. 

“W-what's going on?” Quentin asked. 

“Fen wants us to have her baby,” Eliot explained. “Would you want to?”

Quentin nodded slowly. “Yeah,” he said. 

Fen lifted her head. 

“Really?” she choked. 

“Y-yeah, I always wanted to start a family. I mean, it’s not super traditional, but I don’t think the three of us are.” He smiled. 

Fen smiled, wiping her eyes. 

“Thank you,” she whispered. 

 

“So they just ran down an alley?” Penny laughed.

He was sat on the couch next to Kady. They had settled into a routine, and he was coming over to their castle quarters multiple times a week for dinner. 

“Apparently they thought they could outrun a team of Fillorian guards,” Julia smiled. 

“I swear criminals are getting stupider every day,” Kady said. 

“Or maybe the guard’s just better now that you two are running it,” Penny suggested. 

“You know, flattery gets you nowhere,” Kady smirked. 

“Maybe I just like to compliment you two,” Penny said. 

Kady breathed in. She looked up at him. Penny studied her face. The couch now seemed impossibly small.

“I, uh,” Kady stammered. 

“Sorry,” Penny said quickly, leaning back. 

“No I—” Kady said. 

“No, I don’t wanna—” Penny said. 

“You can,” Julia interrupted. 

Kady looked at her.

“Huh?” Penny asked. 

“Do you care about her?” Julia asked. 

“Yeah,” Penny said. “I care about both of you. More than I probably should,”

“Do you want to Kades?” she asked. 

Kady nodded slowly. 

Julia shrugged. “Then go ahead,” she said. 

Kady looked back at Penny. 

He paused, before cupping her face in his hands and leaning in, kissing her gently. 

 

“You look beautiful babe,” Margo said. 

Eliot kept fiddling with his outfit. He wore a deep purple suit covered in gold embroidery. He took a breath as he adjusted his collar. 

“They’re about to start,” Margo said slowly. “Fen and Quentin are probably already waiting.” Eliot nodded. 

“Okay,” Eliot said. “Let’s do this,”

They made their way to the entrance of the great hall, where Fen was excitedly chatting to Quentin. 

“Oh my god,” Fen said, looking at Eliot. “You look gorgeous!”

“Thank you,” Eliot said. His eyes were on Quentin. Quentin blushed. 

Margo motioned to the servants to open the doors. 

“Let’s not wait any longer,” Margo said. They nodded. 

Margo walked through the doors and down the aisle, followed by Eliot and Quentin. 

Fen was in between them, holding their hands. It was tradition for the first spouse to walk the couple down the aisle during a second royal wedding. 

The hall was covered in bouquets of tiny purple flowers, and Father Todd stood under a golden archway. Fen let the couple go when they reached the altar, sitting next to Margo in the front row. 

“Marriage,” Father Todd started. “Most people only do one at at time, but this is pretty cool I guess. I was told to keep this super short,”

Todd glanced down at Margo. Margo nodded. 

“So let's just go to the vows!” Todd said. “Oh, uh, does someone have the rings?”

A panicked Tick ran up with two gold bands. Eliot smirked at Quentin, who hid a chuckle. 

“Do you, Quentin,” Todd said. “Take Eliot to be your wedded husband, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do you part, as long as you both shall live?”

“I do,” Quentin said. 

“And Eliot,” Todd said. “Do you take Quentin to be your wedded husband, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do you part, as long as you both shall live?”

“I do,” Eliot said. 

“Then I now pronounce you married! You may now kiss the groom,” Todd exclaimed. 

They kissed, and Todd grinned out at the crowd. There was thunderous applause. 

***

At the bottom of the page, it said “being dead sucks, I hope you make it back —Alfred :)”. 

Penny scoffed. He folded the paper back up and put it in his pocket. He reminded himself to be less of a dick to Alfred the next time they ran into each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> damn we’re done! this has been my first completed multi chaptered fic, and it was super fun to write, I hope you liked it!


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